some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
