There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
