I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
there is puke in my bra ... again
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