Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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