new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
