I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
