The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
