don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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