You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
