to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drake has all the answers
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
