man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
