I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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