I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
