So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
