she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
