Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we're making bets on your personal life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
