We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
