I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize