I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
