Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
