woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
