I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
