i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
