I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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