you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
