I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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