hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm always down for nudity.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
