I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
