My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
