Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
