I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have surprise drugs for everyone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
