If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
