just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
