This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
