Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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