shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
