the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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