Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
