so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
