Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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