I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
