do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
