Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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