so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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