How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
