I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
