My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
