mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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