i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
