Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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