Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
