Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
