I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
