ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
