haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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